I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
