Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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