then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
40s are totally the cure
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
