forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
