My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
