he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
