You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
