He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
