just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
