We're like a lot better than the average bears
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You ruined the universe
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
