Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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