It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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