Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
