This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
