So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
