how can u be prego again
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
