It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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