Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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