If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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