Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
