Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
