you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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