I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
