first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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