but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
