Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
