Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
