Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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