I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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