I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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