There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
