My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
