No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
