i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
