So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
high people should be assigned attendants
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
