Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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