first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
should my penis look like a turkey
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
