Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
