So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
