Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
