Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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