I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
