We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
