i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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