I smell stomach acid.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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