I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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