fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
