Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
