we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
