I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
